I Own A Dog
I own a dog, or to be more precise, a four-legged fur-covered
food processor (food goes in one end and out the other). Several
considerations have prompted me to reexamine its’ purported
reputation as mans’ best friend. Dog ownership, like everything
else, has become more complicated since the first canine showed
up at a cave looking for a handout. Take veterinary care for
instance. Our pets are entitled to a more sophisticated level of
health care than existed in the entire world at the turn of the
century. Or training devices like electronic dog shock collars
(currently not available for children). The difference is
apparent even in something so trivial as dog food. From bones
and table scraps to a modern day fare of a myriad of
meat-by-products blended in a carbohydrate paste designed by a
team of Nobel prize-winning nutritional dieticians (which
strongly resemble reformulated table scraps). To illustrate the
extreme that the consumer public has attained to, one cat food
boasts that it protects a cat’s urinary tract health. So far I
am unable to get concerned about a cat’s urinary tract health
although it appears that many cat owners must be. You may have
noticed that there is as yet no counterpart claim made to dog
owners which leads me to believe that they are not as totally
self absorbed as compared to pet owners of the feline
persuasion. Surely this paranoia is the climax of Madison
Avenue’s cavalcade of the preposterous and the paltry and
deserves a berth right up there with “ring-around-the-collar”
and “the heartbreak of psoriasis.”
Perhaps what perplexes me most is why this slobbering beast
occupies such an exalted plateau. Anyone who has ever observed a
dog sleeping or laying around most of the day has surely
wondered at the expression, “working like a dog”. The irony of
this analogy is only eclipsed by, “sleeping like a baby”. What
has the canine done to merit such undeserved esteem other than
drool excessively and wag it’s tail with an insipid look on it’s
face.
Rather than possess any attributes of a redeeming value, the
notorious mutt does have an entourage of annoying vices of which
I will now enumerate. Any list would be sure to include barking
all night, chewing on footwear and furnishings, digging holes in
the yard and redistributing the contents of trash bags. Most
distressing is the animal’s unsanitary toilet habits (the furry
beast is constantly manufacturing doggie-doo and
indiscriminately placing it around the yard). This
self-appointed washer-of-tires and waterer-of-fire hydrants is
notorious for one other flagrant vice, they chase cats. Which
may explain why cats are prone to urinary tract disorders in the
first place
